Proverbs 31:25

This verse has been something my heart yearns for. We as women who love the Lord, often desire to be that "Proverbs 31 woman"... It is a LOT to live up to, but it is something that we desperately desire. I have been praying for a long time that the Lord would make me more like her. "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come..." To be strong, to be dignified, and to be so content in where Jesus has me, and to trust the Lord so completely that we can LAUGH at what comes next. Knowing that He has the whole world in His hands, which includes my tiny world...We can relax and enjoy the ride that He has us on.

Words: Part One

"Words can build you up; words can break you down. Start a fire in your heart or, put it out."

Now, I am not going to be the first one to admit to being a Hawk Nelson fan, but I am also not going to be the first one to deny it either. Remember when you liked Simple Plan? Don't lie. That's Hawk Nelson for me. Every now and then it's nice to go back and sing a little diddy about tears soaking through a lonely sweater when I'm feeling nostalgic. BUT! Hawk Nelson is not the main topic of this blog, they are just kinda driving me to write it. When I first heard this song close to a year ago, it hit me like a train. I am NOT one to "be careful little mouth what you say..." It's probably my biggest struggle, and most obvious sign of being a far from perfect human, born into a sin nature. This song haunted me. I thought about it a lot. Mostly the pre-chorus above. Did this song convict me to the point of being a woman with eloquent speech, and completely jerk free? HECK NO...But there IS a heavier conviction than there ever has been before. Have you ever started out having the greatest day and then someone opens their mouth and inserts their foot? COMPLETELY ruining your day? Have you ever checked yourself before you wrecked yourself? Have you taken steps backwards and taken the time to examine yourself, and the way YOU speak to others? We have ALL been the person to throw someone's day off track, and THAT...is a sad statistic. I know that God created us to feel, and He gave us a voice, but His intentions weren't for us to get angry over someone's human errors, and be entirely TOO vocal about how we feel about the situation. We need to stop holding on to pet-peeves so tightly. I find myself saying "Something that I can't stand" or "Just gets under my skin..." WAY too often. I have been told that one of my spiritual gifts is Patience. I am good with kids, and I think that's where my gift of patience dies. If we're being super honest and vulnerable, here. The Lord created us to glorify Him, make His name known, and show as many people as we can the love of God. SOOOO is getting irked with someone at work showing them the love of God? Is it being a good example of how Christ would treat them in that situation? Is getting in an argument with someone in my family, and muttering under my breath some snarky statement glorifying Him? Aren't we supposed to be lights in this already CRAZY dark world? Aren't we supposed to be constant examples of Him, to His lost children? Or even the body of Christ that we sit with at church, or serve with in the youth ministry? We are ALL human, and fall short of the glory of God, so we WILL stumble, and we WILL fall..most likely all over ourselves while we are being jerks..(Romans 3:23). It is my challenge as of late to conduct myself in a manner that is WHOLLY PLEASING to the Lord, or at least to try to. I will let you know how it goes. I'm going to try to talk to Jesus more, journal more, and learn some breathing exercises.


This is part one of my "Words" series of blogs. Stay tuned!

Getting over myself

My heart has been heavy. Like, on overload-about to break through my chest-heavy.
I have trusted the Lord with every emotion, every hurt-feeling, every fear, every dream and every doubt; but I haven’t laid them down. Like a comfort blanket I stay wrapped up in my miseries, and feel sorry for myself.

I’m reminded of Job, and how he wallowed in his trials (still trusting the Lord, but having doubts). Then in my favorite chapter of the Bible Job 38 when God comes at Job with all His glory out of the whirlwind…

A few of my favorites.

(V.4) “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.”
(V.12-13) “Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know it’s place, that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?”
(V.24) “What is the way to the place where the light is distributed, or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?”

It’s like SHUT UP MAGDALENE BARBARA!
Talk about humbling.

I sometimes feel like “Well, God already knows how I’m feeling. I don’t need to talk to Him about it.”
Then my favorite song (in the entire world) starts playing in my ears.
I will wait for you there by Phil Wickham
It’s really the only song that represents how I feel most of the time. I’m taken to and reminded of the place where God was biggest in my life. Where He met me where I was at.


Did He leave me? No.
Did He forsake me? No.
Did I make it through every fire, dark place, and empty feeling? YES.

I might have come out of those fires with some burns, I might have come out of those dark times having to wait until my eyes adjusted, but I have never felt more whole after Jesus made Himself so real and evident during those empty times.

When I place my hope, emotions, tomorrows or anything in any human/friendship/relationship? I am setting myself up for disappointment. MAN FAILS US. It’s not fair to me OR to them to hold them to a divine/Only God will never fail me standard.

“Don’t place your happiness in something you can lose.” C.S. Lewis

Learning:

Trust Jesus
Let go of my burdens
Man disappoints
He is ALWAYS faithful to hold my hand as I walk this life with Him.

And here's the song I was talking about:

Awake.

For every dream I've had? I've been let down.
For every moment of disappointment, a moment of joy.
I've been through heart break, and I've been made whole.
I've gripped onto worry, and I've been full of confidence.
My life in Jesus, has been learning and constantly needing to be reminded that our lives walking with Him will be full of various trials. They wil also be full of rejoicing, peace, and the hope of eternity with Him. Trusting Him, will be (and has been in my life) the best decision that you can make. It will bring mountains,valleys and shadows, but how much scarier would those times be without the hope of Jesus? How much darker would those shadows be if we DIDN'T have that hope of eternity with Him?

Food for thought.

Writer's block

I am not a writer by profession. I am nothing "by profession", but I have always loved writing. I love writing short stories, letters, and eventually I would like to write a novel, and a life story. However,I started writing 2 hours ago, and was so distracted by social media, The Voice on the TV, and my own thoughts-that I just got the previous 3 sentences out. I am an over-thinker and so often that leads to writers block. I'm not able to organize my thoughts, I never have been. And so often, that leads to my inability to get my point across, or to even remember what my point WAS/IS. I can say comfortably that I have writers block almost EVERY time I sit down to write. Is it that I am just an unorganized person or is it spiritual warfare? Is it that the Lord wants to use my words (maybe eventually...)and I am allowing myself to be distracted, and maybe losing out on what I could've said by not tuning everything else out? I haven't ever thought in depth about WHY I have such a hard time saying what I want/need to say, until I got the suggestion from Britney to WRITE about my writers block. While I am waiting for the words to come to me, I do rough outlines of word vomit (for lack of a better term...). The past blogs I've written I wrote out at work while I didn't have any specific tasks to do, and then when I get home I edit and I add to it when I type it out. Because hopefully by then my thoughts will have clumped together. I also pray before I write. I ask the Lord what He wants me to say, and I wait. Before I start writing (while I'm waiting..), on top of not being sure about what I am GOING to write about-I tend to struggle with patience, fear, fear of rejection, pride and fear of rejection due to transparency. Sometimes when I write, I write like I'm journaling, and I don't necessarily think about who may read my words. Sometimes though I do, and that fear strikes my heart and I speak with hesitance. I don't want to say something and immediately regret it. I don't want to feel judged! All that I know is that the Lord spoke through friends to my heart, and told me to start a blog. SO start a blog I did, and I am thankful for the 1,2, maybe 3 people that read/have read this blog. I pray that my words show effectiveness at some point and please let me know if they do! Goodnight! And have a pleasant tomorrow!!

A few thoughts on singleness

I might be beating a dead horse here, but let's talk about being single shall we? It's all I have ever known, as in at (almost)27 years old I have never been in a relationship. (Read all about those almosts here)   I'm super happy with my life (most of the time), but I'm also completely aware of that missing piece. I'm not going to act like I constantly LOVE being single. I'm not going to act like I'm always unhappy about it either though. My friends and I have this conversation pretty on the regular. What would've been different if any of us had ever been in relationships? (I'm 1/5 of my close friends that are single and always have been). We step back and we look at our lives for the last several years, and know why we have been single. We have been able to use our stories to encourage one another, we've gone on road trips, we've stayed out late, we've had sleepovers, we've counseled girls who feel alone,rejected. We're able to relate to them on a completely relevant basis due to the fact that we are STILL in the same position that they are, only we have decades more experience. I am counting down the days (without an end date), until I get to share the story of God's faithfulness. How He used my time being single for His glory, whether it was encouraging others in their singleness, or by sharing my story-reminding others of His promises to BE faithful. I don't want to waste this time just sitting around waiting for my husband. I want to (and try to) prepare myself for him. I want to be as close to a Proverbs 31 woman I can get before I walk into his life. I had THAT conversation the other night as well. How I need to be thinking realistically about the man I am going to marry. It's easy to plan your life and have your husband to be fit into that (in your head), but we forget to budget into our dreams that he may already have a life! He may have a super busy career, and he might have dreams and plans of his own. We REALLY shouldn't be setting up our lives to the point where we don't leave room for the future man of our lives dreams as well. Not saying that you shouldn't dream, but you shouldn't be selfish in your dreaming. Don't neglect your dreams, and lower your standards for yourself, but be open minded to his standards and his dreams. I was talking to a couple of my friends about standards. About how we shouldn't lower them, about how it's important to understand and remember our worth and what we deserve; How we should dream big but not expect him to be the drummer in one of our favorite bands. Expectations. ANOTHER thing to bring up. I am not the biggest fan of the quote "If you go in with no expectations, you won't be disappointed..." I think that is true in some aspects, but if you walk around NOT expecting God to do the greatest things in your life? You're gonna get depressed. DREAM BIG. Hope and Pray with expectancy. God's going to do exactly what's best for you. I know it's easy to be disappointed when things don't go exactly your way, but being able to move on, let go, and remember that you're only seeing ->thismuch<- of the picture is going to strengthen your heart. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it SUCKS feeling like you're never going to be loved, but my friends...you are loved. You're loved by the ONE WHO MADE YOU! How is that NOT blowing your minds!!! Romantic love is a bonus, and it was created by God FOR us, but let's not let that distract us away from who should be our FIRST love. The One who gave it ALL, and would do it again if you were the only one. He cares about every single part of you, and that should be enough for us, but due to our sin nature it isn't. We always want more, and we want it now. He's waiting to spend time with you. He'll never forget to text you back, He'll never stand you up. He's constant, He's always available, and He loves you MORE.

The Heart: Wicked, and keeping me alive.

As in water reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.
Proverbs 27:19

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I was drawing a blank on what to blog about next, and my (super dear)friend Britney told me to write about the heart. I've had a lot of issues with my heart. Not my physical heart, but my spiritual heart. I am a super super emotional person. I attach myself to everything, and everyone. If I'm in it? I'm in it 100%. Thinking about it constantly, dreaming about it, and sometimes it keeps me up at night. It could be anything. A person, a project, a Bible study, a place, a concept, a dream...anything. I worry about everything also, and anxiety is something I struggle with on the regular. I have found that "being real" and honest with the Lord, and waiting for a response from Him? Being silent and allowing Him to whisper to me-brings me the peace I was lacking before. When we finally loosen our grip on the emotion,person,dream that we are clinging to so tightly-and we give them over to Jesus, trusting that His will,purpose,plan is perfect? We receive that peace. I have had a SEVERE (not using that word lightly...)problem with guarding my heart in situations past. Like I said-I'm a super emotional person, and tend to throw myself into everything, and don't think/pray first. Just recently though, I was in a situation that made me uneasy. Not necessarily a BAD uneasy, just a i-dont-know-what-to-do-with-myself kinda uneasy. I spent some SERIOUS time in prayer this time around, and I specifically asked the Lord to go before me and guard my heart, and you know what? He TOTALLY did! I'm human (and a woman...) so of course I didn't walk away COMPLETELY unscathed, but I walked out unbroken. I walked out with my heart in one piece. I didn't have to waste tears, because there weren't any. I spent a lot of time thanking the Lord for protecting me. To those who aren't sure what it means to guard your heart-Give it to Jesus. Depend on Him ONLY. If you trust your heart to the Lord, and are on a daily basis giving it to Him-He's going to protect it. It's worth it...It's worth the peace, the calm, and the lack of the broken hearted mess version of you. Trust Him-He really really loves you.