Thankfully,Yours.

Looking back into the past year, I would like to believe that I was more aware of how ungrateful I was being. I stopped complaining, and started appreciating. I became more aware of the people in my life, and how much them being IN my life alone, meant to me. I became more aware of the feeling of contentment, because I always had food to eat. I became more aware of the roof looming over my head, while I slept in my oh-so-comfortable bed, under my down comforter, with my head on my down pillow. I have so many people in my corner in life-so many people who want the best for me, want me to succeed, want to read more of what I write, want my opinion, want my hugs, want my time. What did I do to deserve any of those things? I was born? I didn't even have anything to do with that! The fact of the matter is that I do NOT deserve any of those things (Also...while I was typing 'deserve' Beyonce was singing it in my ears "Best Thing I Never Had"...I felt like I was in a movie...ANYWAYS...) I wake up thankful to be alive every morning. I am thankful that I can swing my legs off of my bed, and stand on my own two feet. I am thankful for the running water I use to wash my face and brush my teeth. I am thankful for the clothing I own, that I paid for with my own money, that I worked hard for, at the job I have had for 10 years and am so thankful for. I am thankful for the overpriced coffee I can afford to buy and drink several times a week. I am thankful for the words that are often shared with my friends over those cups of Iced Vanilla Chai (With Soy). I am thankful for Ekklesia, the High School Ministry at my church, that I have been a part of for 7 years on Monday! I am thankful for the people I serve with, and have served with. I am thankful for moments. Thankful for memories. Thankful for laughing. Thankful for songs that make me dance when I'm in public (I'm writing this at Barnes & Noble and Chris Jamison's (The Voice) version of Ed Sheeran's "Don't" came on, and I definitely was grooving and just like whatever..shoulder shrug..I dont care..)

All of those things make my heart happy.
They don't define me by any means, but they definitely bless me.
What defines me? My Savior. He does.
He not only gives me a map of the windy roads in life, but He walks it with me.
He not only stood at the door of my heart, and knocked, but He wanted to be invited in. I did, and I do.
He not only wanted to spend eternity with me, but He died an awful death so that I could.
I am so incredibly beyond thankful, but I am so undeserving of such grace.
I don't understand, and I won't until I'm seeing Him face to face.

I wish I had answers for the people that are hurting.  I wish I could do more than attempt to relate His love to them. I wish I could show their heart what my heart feels, when the Lord whispers in His still small voice words of love, and peace. I wish they could see themselves through my Savior's eyes. I'm thankful that the Lord is willing to use me to be His hands and feet to attempt such fete's.

Let's remember this upcoming holiday, not only the huge things we have to be thankful for, but the small little details in our lives, that we don't even think to be thankful for. As a typical Thanksgiving blog closing-Let's remember not only 2 weeks from today, what we're being thankful for, but EVERY DAY.

I'm thankful for YOU!
<3

The Heart: Wicked, and keeping me alive.

As in water reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.
Proverbs 27:19

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I was drawing a blank on what to blog about next, and my (super dear)friend Britney told me to write about the heart. I've had a lot of issues with my heart. Not my physical heart, but my spiritual heart. I am a super super emotional person. I attach myself to everything, and everyone. If I'm in it? I'm in it 100%. Thinking about it constantly, dreaming about it, and sometimes it keeps me up at night. It could be anything. A person, a project, a Bible study, a place, a concept, a dream...anything. I worry about everything also, and anxiety is something I struggle with on the regular. I have found that "being real" and honest with the Lord, and waiting for a response from Him? Being silent and allowing Him to whisper to me-brings me the peace I was lacking before. When we finally loosen our grip on the emotion,person,dream that we are clinging to so tightly-and we give them over to Jesus, trusting that His will,purpose,plan is perfect? We receive that peace. I have had a SEVERE (not using that word lightly...)problem with guarding my heart in situations past. Like I said-I'm a super emotional person, and tend to throw myself into everything, and don't think/pray first. Just recently though, I was in a situation that made me uneasy. Not necessarily a BAD uneasy, just a i-dont-know-what-to-do-with-myself kinda uneasy. I spent some SERIOUS time in prayer this time around, and I specifically asked the Lord to go before me and guard my heart, and you know what? He TOTALLY did! I'm human (and a woman...) so of course I didn't walk away COMPLETELY unscathed, but I walked out unbroken. I walked out with my heart in one piece. I didn't have to waste tears, because there weren't any. I spent a lot of time thanking the Lord for protecting me. To those who aren't sure what it means to guard your heart-Give it to Jesus. Depend on Him ONLY. If you trust your heart to the Lord, and are on a daily basis giving it to Him-He's going to protect it. It's worth it...It's worth the peace, the calm, and the lack of the broken hearted mess version of you. Trust Him-He really really loves you.

Answered Prayers & Dodged Bullets

Have you ever THOUGHT you knew what you wanted, and you THOUGHT it was the only possible great thing that would ever happen in your life in the history of ever? So you spend day after day pouring your heart out to Jesus, telling HIM that you KNOW-if He answers these prayers your life will be complete. That your happy ever after will start the second that He says yes...WELP I have, and I doubt that I am alone in this. I have re-read my own prayer journal entries and have not been able to stifle my laughter. How naive we are. How prideful,flawed,and silly-for lack of a better word-we are. BUT how faithful, merciful, gracious and tender is our Jesus for dealing with us with such patience and kindness. He doesn't laugh at our requests, and He is ALWAYS faithful to answer. If His answer is no, I consider those dodged bullets. Because, if we were left to our own devices and were given the ability to plan out in detail our futures? We'd be making a lot of u-turns! I have prayed a lot of those prayers. I've been thankful (most of the time not right away) that God chose to give me a "Negative!". Like I said, I consider those bullets dodged. There were jobs I applied for, guys I prayed about, Countries I wanted to move to, that were all no's from the Lord. For the jobs I applied for? I am still at the job I got hired at 9 years ago, and am so content. The guys I prayed about? NONE of them my husband (he's out there somewhere! I pray for him everyday), and to me? They were bullets dodged...None of them the man God has for me, but some of them have gotten married and to their wives they are answered prayers, not dodged bullets. The country I prayed about moving to? Earth shattering things happened in my family that if I had moved without being obedient to God's answer-I would have been separated from my family when it happened. I am so thankful that God has given me clear answers when I've prayed. I am so thankful that God has spared me from being able to choose my own ending, and I am so thankful that He has guarded my heart when I had no business wearing it on my sleeve.