Thanksgiving: Week 4

I am going to be writing my thankfulness entries for the rest of the month of November, before the month of November is over! I am thankful for so much more than what I have written about, but I don't know if I will ever be able to express all that I am thankful for. Love y'all

The 22nd-
I'm thankful for life experience. I'm thankful that I get to use my experiences as an example of God's faithfulness, grace, provision and guidance. So often people won't listen to the advice that you are trying to give unless you have some first-hand experience that is relevant to what they're going through. So many times, I have had people come into my life, who were going through something so similar to what I had, and I will know in that moment-that THEY are why I went through what I did. I'm thankful for experiences that bless others.

The 23rd-
I am thankful for the selflesness I have seen in my life. Parents, some friends, my pastor. Thankful that there are some people exemplifying Jesus, truly with their lives, because it is their character. Thankful that I have people to look up to.

The 24th-
Thankful for songs that make my heart beat faster, and give me chills. Bands like Band of Horses, The Swell Season, and Tony Lucca, do that for me. I love day dreaming, and I'm really good at it. Songs that ooze mushy love, heartbreak, and forever, make for quite the stellar soundtrack to my day dreams.

The 25th-
(Thankful for my beautiful oldest niece! Today is her 16th Birthday, and I remember the day she was born like it was yesterday. Thankful for her life, and thankful that I can see my brother in her face, her sense of humor, and her vast knowledge of music. I love you baby!) Thankful for hope. In the way I have hope for my tomorrows, and forever with Jesus. In the way that my Jesus never breaks His promises, so that I am able to rest in and hope in Him and His Word. Thankful forthe dreams and desires He has put in my heart.

The 26th-
Encouragement. Whether someone tells you they've noticed (any kind of) improvement, any kind of success, or maybe just a really good hair day; It's always a nice thing, and always a welcomed thing. I recently had a meeting with one of my bosses at work, and he said some of the nicest things regarding my work ethic, and their dependency on me. I was blown away, and very thankful for it. I might frame it! I walked out of my meeting with them, feeling so good knowing they appreciate me, and TOLD me how they felt. It made my day. I challenge you to encourage daily. Make it a habit, a part of your routine, a part of your life. Making other people happy? Makes YOU happy in turn. DO IT.

The 27th-
I'm thankful for fall and winter. Two of my favorite things in life are cold weather, and fall colors. While Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I love how happy people are at Christmas time. I love having to wear sweatshirts and coats, socks and boots, beanies and gloves. There's a feeling of security when you're bundled up. It's my favorite and I'm thankful for it!

The 28th-
Thankful for a good bargain. I absolutely ADORE thrift shopping. I rarely look at the clothing-I'm a sucker for homegoods. Last year's Threshold Christmas decorations for $2?! YES PLEASE!! A brand new Vans sweatshirt for $3?! I'll take it! I love loving the little things. I'm thankful for them.

The 29th-
I'm thankful for the people, who help the people who cannot help themselves. Whether it be those who work with the kids who have been abandoned, or put up for adoption because their parents were young, or couldn't take care of them, or passed away; to the people who work with handicapped adults. The love, the patience, and the care (some, unfortunately not all) that I see, go into the lives of said people, blesses my heart. I hear horror stories of awful care-givers, and it breaks my heart. At work, groups from homes come in almost daily, for field trips. They always want hugs, high fives, hand shakes, or just to be noticed. They have the sweetest hearts. Thankful for the life I have, and thankful for the calling these people hear, and follow.

The 30th-
The last day of my thankful blogs. I'm thankful for thankfulness. Have a heart of gratitude is such a joyful place to be. Thankful for freedom of speech to be able to write what's on my heart. Thankful FOR my heart. Thankful for the life that God has called me to. The fact that the maker of the heavens and earth wrote a plan for MY life. He cares enough about me to plan every part of my life, and He speaks to me. He comforts me, sustains me, sings over me, and loves me more than I could ever comprehend. I am SO thankful for Him!!!

Thanksgiving: Week 3

Week 3-
November 15th-
I am thankful for the people who documented history. The inspired Word of God for one. I am so thankful for the Bible. I am thankful for all of the lessons, all of the blessings, and all of the closeness to God I have accessed in reading His Word. I am thankful for the ability to hear His voice speak so clearly into my life. Thankful for the specificity to the situations I am facing TODAY written so so so long ago. Thankful that He loves us more than enough.

November 16th-
Today we celebrate my sister’s soon to be wedding. I am thankful for the man that she is going to marry, and I am thankful that they get to be an example of a marriage ordained by God to their friends, and family. I am thankful that so many of our friends love them and show so much support to their union. So thankful that God provides, and thankful that they rest in that fact. Thankful that God gives us the desires of our hearts. Thankful that He plans out each and every one of our steps, and holds back NO good thing.

November 17th-
Thankful for prayer. I am so easily distractible when it comes to anything, that I started keeping a prayer journal pretty early on. They’ve actually been spread out on whatever writing material I have in front of me, just recently I have kept them all to one journal. It’s the coolest thing to go back a year, two years, even three years and see God’s hand so present in my life. To see my cries of desperation, and see how He showed Himself faithful. To see my heart hurting, and to see Him healing so mightily. To see my pleas, and how He explained (in time) why the answer was no. I am thankful that prayer is not a one way street. I am thankful that He is ALWAYS faithful to respond.
November 18th-
Thankful for cold weather. In Southern California it’s not exactly a common thing, but when it’s cold? It is COLD. I love this season! The wearing socks to bed, doubling up on the blankets, sleeping in sweatshirts, and closing the windows. Wearing scarves, pea coats and boots….Oh it’s just so wonderful! I love what the cold weather brings with it. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and a new year. I am so thankful for the creativity of our Savior.

November 19th-
I am thankful for Love. While I have not been privy to experience a romantic love as of yet, I have experienced love from my family, love from my friends, love from my Jesus. I am thankful that even in the moments when I don’t feel loved, I know that I am. I am thankful that even when I am being unlovable I am loved even still. I am thankful for the love Jesus showed to us so evidently when He took our place on the cross, dying for our sins, so that we could spend ETERNITY with Him. What a Savior…I am so thankful for Him.

November 20th-
I am thankful for blank canvas. Not just my favorite kind of stretched canvas, where I can create whatever picture is in my head. I am thankful for the blank canvas that a new year brings, a new friendship brings, every new day brings. I am thankful that the Lord wiped all of our slates clean when He died for us. I am thankful for the ability to start over.

November 21st-
I am thankful for all of my senses. I hope I never take any of them for granted. I think that is something that we are all prone to do. We take for granted the fact that we can see our favorite places, faces, and sunsets. We take for granted the fact that we can listen to our favorite songs, hear our loved ones voices, hear babies laugh (my favorite sound). We can taste! OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS! Can you imagine if we couldn’t taste?! What would we do? We would be so missing out. We don’t realize how drastic the life change is/would be if we lost a limb. We see the ways that people use their lives to glorify God when they are either born with the loss (Nick Vujicic) or when it’s thrust upon them in tragedy (Bethany Hamilton). I am prayerful that I would never have to suffer the loss of any of my senses, but I am also prayerful that if I ever do lose any of them- I will use the trial to glorify the Savior who created me.


Thankful for you guys! I pray for every single person who reads my blog. That the Lord would touch your hearts, binding up any wounds you have. That you would understand that He died for YOU, loves YOU, wants to spend forever with YOU. Always available for conversation! <3

Thanksgiving: Week 2

Week 2-

November 8th-
Thankful for family. I am thankful for each and every member. Every get together with them, I realize how perfectly God knit us all together. I’m thankful for the love I feel from all of them. Thankful for the interest they all seem to take. Thankful that they remember the little things about my life. Thankful that my cousin was my best friend growing up, and made me the godmother of her daughter JC. Thankful for the trust that I can place in them.

November 9th-
Thankful for my friends. Tonight, we had a girls night out to celebrate my friend Melissa. We had dinner and went to the movies (and did a little pre-date shopping at Target). I’m thankful for days when we all make the time to just be together. I’m thankful that it NEVER stays silent for long. Someone always has something to say, get off their chest. I’m thankful for those times.

November 10th-
Thankful for my ministry team. Once a month we have a meeting, and tonight was that night. We hang out, pray, eat, and laugh. Tonight we laughed SO MUCH. So much joy comes from being with the people that I am privileged to serve with. The fellowship is always golden, and the accountability that is available to all of us is such a blessing. I love getting to work with the High School kids, and getting to work alongside some of the best people I know is just the icing on the cake.

November 11th-
I’m thankful for good days. Days that start off with Jesus, coffee and croissants with my sister, a really good day at work, dinner with my sister, and end with a little hobby lobby with mom, sister, and her fiancé. Perfect Days. I’m thankful for the ability to be happy. Emotional would probably be one of the words people would use to describe me if they were asked to. I love being happy, and I live for crying happy tears. I’m such a sap. I’m thankful for the ability to be a sappy heart on my sleeve wearer!

November 12th-
I’m writing this on the 13th, because yesterday while I was at work, I got the worst case of the flu I have had in a long time. Before it hit me full-fledged I was privileged enough to work with the Big Brother Big Sisters Organization for the second time this year (with my job). I got to be a part of their after school program where we read them a story, did a craft with them, and gave them one of our soft toys. The looks on these kids’ faces is priceless. Some of them are a little bit socially awkward, and some of them would talk your ear off if they could. It’s easy for some of them to ask for help, and for others you have to offer. But we don’t do it for the Thank You. We do it for the full hearts we know they’re leaving with. The feeling of someone caring about them, who they’ve never met before is something I’m thankful to be a part of.

November 13th-
Today I’m thankful to be feeling better. I’m thankful for my mom stopping and buying me crackers and sprite on her way home from work, for my dad running out and buying my ginger ale as soon as I got home. Thankful for my little brother who today, while I was “in recovery” and my sister and her fiancé went to lunch at Mimi’s, which is his place of employment, sent home with them some soup and sprite for his ailing sister. What a sweetheart! I’m thankful that at 27 years of age my parents still care for me, and about me. Thankful that even though my brother, and I don’t see eye to eye-he loves me tons. I love them for loving me.

November 14th-
I am thankful for the unknown. I am thankful for trials. I am thankful that I can lean on Jesus every step of the way. Thankful that I don’t HAVE to worry about the unknown, and I am thankful that I can grow with every trial placed in front of me. I am one of the people who looks at something while they’re hurting and tries to figure out the lesson that the Lord is teaching me while I’m in it. I try to see the big picture that He is painting (has painted) while I am still in the first few strokes. I want to know! I don’t like surprises! (It’s true…I have known almost every year of my life what my Christmas presents were –because I’m a peeking fool.) I love trusting in Jesus, and resting in His promises and faithfulness. I usually end up yelling at myself to CHILL, and just BE in the moment with Jesus! I don’t have to worry about tomorrow (it may not come) because He holds EVERY single ONE of my tomorrow’s in His hands. I’m thankful that I can trust Jesus with my tomorrow’s.

I have LOVED writing these everyday! I love the accountability Thanksgiving brings to everyone. Most people are only prompted to be thankful (at least publicly) during the month of November. I choose thankfulness ALWAYS!

Thanksgiving : Week 1

I am going to be writing everyday about something that I am thankful for. I tried this last year, and failed miserably. Which is so sad, because it’s so crucial to your heart to be thankful. I feel when you don’t acknowledge the blessings that life has bestowed upon you? Your soul gets a little bit darker. If you aren’t DAILY thanking the Lord for the things that He has given to you-You’re going to forget that He is the One that gave them to you. I’m going to be blogging every Thursday night for the month of November with a recap of my thankful thoughts. I encourage you to do the same! It’s convicting when you are struggling to find things to be thankful for! #ichoosethankfulness

November 1st-
I’m thankful today, for the 21 years 4 months, and 20 days of my life, that I knew my big brother. 11 days after his 30th Birthday, my brother was killed in an accident on a job site. Leaving behind a wife, 3 beautiful girls, my parents, my brother, my sister, and myself heartbroken. My brother and I didn’t always get along, (being 9 years apart kinda begs for annoying little sister syndrome) but he never missed an opportunity to tell me that he loved me, was proud of me, or that I wasn’t meeting the fullness of the potential he knew I could reach. I miss him every.single.day, but I am thankful that I will see him again. Soon and very soon.

November 2nd-
Today I am thankful for my job. I have been at the same job for 9 years. I don’t make a ton of money, but what I lack in incredulous financial gain, the friends I have made, the experiences I’ve had, the light I’ve been able to shine, and the difference I’ve been able to make-have all made up for it. I get to have fun at work almost every day. I never struggle with insecurity, or doubt that I am in the right place. I know I am. I’m confident that I am where God has called me to be. I am thankful for that.

November 3rd-
Today I am thankful for my future. I am thankful that is secure because I trust in Jesus, and He is Lord and Savior of my life. I am thankful that I can REST in HIM safely, and while my flesh constantly encourages, and condones worry-I do not worry about being in the palm of His hand, or about what His plan for my life is. I know it’s perfect, and I know I will experience joy in every chapter ahead of me. He cares for me. I am thankful for that.

November 4th-
I am thankful for grace. I am thankful that at 27 years of age, I am finally learning to understand it. I will never understand WHY God shows ME grace, but I will be thankful for it. I am a huge believer in giving the grace that you expect. I dislike SO STRONGLY when people just write people off as irredeemable. Where would we be if Christ took that approach with us? We’d be dead in every sense of the word. I want to be like Christ that way. I want to encourage people out of that view of themselves. I don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t be saved, or that they are hopeless. NO ONE is hopeless. Jesus died so that we could HAVE HOPE. I am thankful for grace.

November 5th-
I am thankful for a fantastic childhood. I am thankful that 99% of my memories are happy ones. I am thankful that I only every experienced LOVE from my family. I am thankful that I enjoyed every minute of being a kid. I was able to do family camps at Calvary’s Twin Peaks Conference Center every year of my life until I was about 19. I am so blessed to be able to call most of my friends from my childhood my friends to this day. I am blessed to look back and only experience a feeling of fondness. I may have had bad days, but ultimately? My life has been filled with SUCH joy. I am thankful for that.

November 6th-
Simple things such as the home I grew up in, I tend to take for granted and forget how imperative they have been to where I am today, and the experiences I’ve been able to have. I am thankful for my home. I am thankful for the years I shared a room with my sister, and thankful for the years, that even when I had my own room, and my brother had his own room-we all slept in the same room on our bunk bed. Thankful that my nieces, and sister in law live in the house next door-making it easy for us to spend time with them.

November 7th-
Thankful for simple pleasures. Naps, Iced Tea (unsweetened), DVR, The ability to download devotional apps, Sleeping with the windows open, cool sheets and warm feet, down comforters, cats that like to cuddle, and toast. I am thankful that I have never been forced to live a life of slavery, or a life of not knowing how I was going to make it. I am thankful that the Lord has been faithful in my life to provide, and that He has blessed me with all of these moments in life that I take for granted every day.


See you guys next Thursday for seven more posts on thankfulness!

Be Still

Last year the lesson that I learned and applied was "be still" as taught in Exodus 14:14, which says:
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still."

As of late, I have been hearing those words ringing in my ears, and in my heart. (Not to rip off Penny Lane.)

I'm an avid daydreamer. I imagine scenario after scenario. Life, after life. My days tend to start anxious, and end the same. I am an over-thinker. I am a worrier. I'm super sensitive, and tend to plan my days around the decisions that people in my life make. Which, in turn alters what I think God's plan for my life IS. I base it off of what other people are feeling, their opinions, or to avoid confrontation.

I haven't been feeling myself lately, and I am realizing that, it is due to all of the other voices in my head, that I am allowing to be louder than the Lord's voice.

My heart. My mind. My stomach.

I flashback to all of the times, I was running around like an impatient chicken with my head cut off, and get this GNAWING in the pit of my stomach. Knowing that I wasted God's time, and prolonged the next chapter of my life from starting-makes me sick.

Being anxious never got me anywhere. It's Biblical NOT to be anxious. (Philippians 4:6)// But as I stated I am an over thinker, and tend to blow almost EVERY.THING out of proportion. It's not a fun thing. It's not a wise thing. It's not a healthy habit to entertain, and keep.

"I cast all of my cares upon YOU. I lay all of my burdens, down at Your feet, and anytime I don't know what to do? I will cast all my cares upon You."

Oh, to have faith like a child. To trust in Jesus, with all that you are. To hear His voice, and know that He has your whole life in His hands, and REMEMBER that ALWAYS.

This year. I am once again challenging myself to BE STILL. I am not going to be swayed by the opinions of others. I am not going to chase after plans that other people have. I am not going to build what I think is God's plan for my life, around how others feel. No. I am going to chase after Him, and I am going to rest. I am going to talk His ear off, and I am going to be quiet. I am going to run the race, and I am going to be still.

Faithful

Words: Part Two

Have you ever said something, and then after it leaves your lips-you're left wondering "Where did that come from?"... But sometimes it's exactly what the other party needed to hear? Two words for you... HOLY SPIRIT... often gives us words of encouragement, conviction, knowledge...SO amazing. I've stopped asking (where), and started saying thank You. What a privilege to be a vessel, for the Words of God. AMAZING!!

For the longest time, I thought maybe I was losing my mind, because normally I think before I speak and I would find myself saying things that I didn't remember thinking. Then it hit me, and I started realizing the effect my words were having on the people I was speaking to. It's like on Wednesday nights, before our youth groups meet. All of the counselors meet to pray over our kids, missions, the staff, worship team, etc. So often one of the prayers we find ourselves praying is that our pastor would be emptied of himself, and that he would be full of God, and that every word out of his mouth would be ordained for a particular heart. I LOOOOVE that!! I love the idea of being a messenger for the Lord. Isn't that one of our purposes, while we are on this planet...if not our main purpose? Sharing the good news of Christ? Letting others know how much He loves them? IN recent times, I have been so convicted about who I share the gospel with, how often, where, when. I've made excuse after excuse blaming my lack of furthering His Kingdom on my shy personality, or how evangelism is not "one of my gifts." But, after a study a couple of months ago, I heard by Jack Hibbs; I've felt like my attitude has changed. Who am I to prolong someone's walk with Jesus?

I have the opportunity to share my heart, my experiences, and God's love with everyone, but I let something like an inclination to be crazy nervous all the time dictate that. Jesus died for me, the VERY least I can do-is live for Him, and tell people about Him.

I challenge you to the same heart check. Are you keeping your love for Jesus, close to your chest? Or are you wearing it on your sleeve?

Proverbs 31:25

This verse has been something my heart yearns for. We as women who love the Lord, often desire to be that "Proverbs 31 woman"... It is a LOT to live up to, but it is something that we desperately desire. I have been praying for a long time that the Lord would make me more like her. "Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come..." To be strong, to be dignified, and to be so content in where Jesus has me, and to trust the Lord so completely that we can LAUGH at what comes next. Knowing that He has the whole world in His hands, which includes my tiny world...We can relax and enjoy the ride that He has us on.

Words: Part One

"Words can build you up; words can break you down. Start a fire in your heart or, put it out."

Now, I am not going to be the first one to admit to being a Hawk Nelson fan, but I am also not going to be the first one to deny it either. Remember when you liked Simple Plan? Don't lie. That's Hawk Nelson for me. Every now and then it's nice to go back and sing a little diddy about tears soaking through a lonely sweater when I'm feeling nostalgic. BUT! Hawk Nelson is not the main topic of this blog, they are just kinda driving me to write it. When I first heard this song close to a year ago, it hit me like a train. I am NOT one to "be careful little mouth what you say..." It's probably my biggest struggle, and most obvious sign of being a far from perfect human, born into a sin nature. This song haunted me. I thought about it a lot. Mostly the pre-chorus above. Did this song convict me to the point of being a woman with eloquent speech, and completely jerk free? HECK NO...But there IS a heavier conviction than there ever has been before. Have you ever started out having the greatest day and then someone opens their mouth and inserts their foot? COMPLETELY ruining your day? Have you ever checked yourself before you wrecked yourself? Have you taken steps backwards and taken the time to examine yourself, and the way YOU speak to others? We have ALL been the person to throw someone's day off track, and THAT...is a sad statistic. I know that God created us to feel, and He gave us a voice, but His intentions weren't for us to get angry over someone's human errors, and be entirely TOO vocal about how we feel about the situation. We need to stop holding on to pet-peeves so tightly. I find myself saying "Something that I can't stand" or "Just gets under my skin..." WAY too often. I have been told that one of my spiritual gifts is Patience. I am good with kids, and I think that's where my gift of patience dies. If we're being super honest and vulnerable, here. The Lord created us to glorify Him, make His name known, and show as many people as we can the love of God. SOOOO is getting irked with someone at work showing them the love of God? Is it being a good example of how Christ would treat them in that situation? Is getting in an argument with someone in my family, and muttering under my breath some snarky statement glorifying Him? Aren't we supposed to be lights in this already CRAZY dark world? Aren't we supposed to be constant examples of Him, to His lost children? Or even the body of Christ that we sit with at church, or serve with in the youth ministry? We are ALL human, and fall short of the glory of God, so we WILL stumble, and we WILL fall..most likely all over ourselves while we are being jerks..(Romans 3:23). It is my challenge as of late to conduct myself in a manner that is WHOLLY PLEASING to the Lord, or at least to try to. I will let you know how it goes. I'm going to try to talk to Jesus more, journal more, and learn some breathing exercises.


This is part one of my "Words" series of blogs. Stay tuned!

Getting over myself

My heart has been heavy. Like, on overload-about to break through my chest-heavy.
I have trusted the Lord with every emotion, every hurt-feeling, every fear, every dream and every doubt; but I haven’t laid them down. Like a comfort blanket I stay wrapped up in my miseries, and feel sorry for myself.

I’m reminded of Job, and how he wallowed in his trials (still trusting the Lord, but having doubts). Then in my favorite chapter of the Bible Job 38 when God comes at Job with all His glory out of the whirlwind…

A few of my favorites.

(V.4) “Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding.”
(V.12-13) “Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know it’s place, that it might take hold of the skirts of the earth, and the wicked be shaken out of it?”
(V.24) “What is the way to the place where the light is distributed, or where the east wind is scattered upon the earth?”

It’s like SHUT UP MAGDALENE BARBARA!
Talk about humbling.

I sometimes feel like “Well, God already knows how I’m feeling. I don’t need to talk to Him about it.”
Then my favorite song (in the entire world) starts playing in my ears.
I will wait for you there by Phil Wickham
It’s really the only song that represents how I feel most of the time. I’m taken to and reminded of the place where God was biggest in my life. Where He met me where I was at.


Did He leave me? No.
Did He forsake me? No.
Did I make it through every fire, dark place, and empty feeling? YES.

I might have come out of those fires with some burns, I might have come out of those dark times having to wait until my eyes adjusted, but I have never felt more whole after Jesus made Himself so real and evident during those empty times.

When I place my hope, emotions, tomorrows or anything in any human/friendship/relationship? I am setting myself up for disappointment. MAN FAILS US. It’s not fair to me OR to them to hold them to a divine/Only God will never fail me standard.

“Don’t place your happiness in something you can lose.” C.S. Lewis

Learning:

Trust Jesus
Let go of my burdens
Man disappoints
He is ALWAYS faithful to hold my hand as I walk this life with Him.

And here's the song I was talking about:

Awake.

For every dream I've had? I've been let down.
For every moment of disappointment, a moment of joy.
I've been through heart break, and I've been made whole.
I've gripped onto worry, and I've been full of confidence.
My life in Jesus, has been learning and constantly needing to be reminded that our lives walking with Him will be full of various trials. They wil also be full of rejoicing, peace, and the hope of eternity with Him. Trusting Him, will be (and has been in my life) the best decision that you can make. It will bring mountains,valleys and shadows, but how much scarier would those times be without the hope of Jesus? How much darker would those shadows be if we DIDN'T have that hope of eternity with Him?

Food for thought.

Writer's block

I am not a writer by profession. I am nothing "by profession", but I have always loved writing. I love writing short stories, letters, and eventually I would like to write a novel, and a life story. However,I started writing 2 hours ago, and was so distracted by social media, The Voice on the TV, and my own thoughts-that I just got the previous 3 sentences out. I am an over-thinker and so often that leads to writers block. I'm not able to organize my thoughts, I never have been. And so often, that leads to my inability to get my point across, or to even remember what my point WAS/IS. I can say comfortably that I have writers block almost EVERY time I sit down to write. Is it that I am just an unorganized person or is it spiritual warfare? Is it that the Lord wants to use my words (maybe eventually...)and I am allowing myself to be distracted, and maybe losing out on what I could've said by not tuning everything else out? I haven't ever thought in depth about WHY I have such a hard time saying what I want/need to say, until I got the suggestion from Britney to WRITE about my writers block. While I am waiting for the words to come to me, I do rough outlines of word vomit (for lack of a better term...). The past blogs I've written I wrote out at work while I didn't have any specific tasks to do, and then when I get home I edit and I add to it when I type it out. Because hopefully by then my thoughts will have clumped together. I also pray before I write. I ask the Lord what He wants me to say, and I wait. Before I start writing (while I'm waiting..), on top of not being sure about what I am GOING to write about-I tend to struggle with patience, fear, fear of rejection, pride and fear of rejection due to transparency. Sometimes when I write, I write like I'm journaling, and I don't necessarily think about who may read my words. Sometimes though I do, and that fear strikes my heart and I speak with hesitance. I don't want to say something and immediately regret it. I don't want to feel judged! All that I know is that the Lord spoke through friends to my heart, and told me to start a blog. SO start a blog I did, and I am thankful for the 1,2, maybe 3 people that read/have read this blog. I pray that my words show effectiveness at some point and please let me know if they do! Goodnight! And have a pleasant tomorrow!!

A few thoughts on singleness

I might be beating a dead horse here, but let's talk about being single shall we? It's all I have ever known, as in at (almost)27 years old I have never been in a relationship. (Read all about those almosts here)   I'm super happy with my life (most of the time), but I'm also completely aware of that missing piece. I'm not going to act like I constantly LOVE being single. I'm not going to act like I'm always unhappy about it either though. My friends and I have this conversation pretty on the regular. What would've been different if any of us had ever been in relationships? (I'm 1/5 of my close friends that are single and always have been). We step back and we look at our lives for the last several years, and know why we have been single. We have been able to use our stories to encourage one another, we've gone on road trips, we've stayed out late, we've had sleepovers, we've counseled girls who feel alone,rejected. We're able to relate to them on a completely relevant basis due to the fact that we are STILL in the same position that they are, only we have decades more experience. I am counting down the days (without an end date), until I get to share the story of God's faithfulness. How He used my time being single for His glory, whether it was encouraging others in their singleness, or by sharing my story-reminding others of His promises to BE faithful. I don't want to waste this time just sitting around waiting for my husband. I want to (and try to) prepare myself for him. I want to be as close to a Proverbs 31 woman I can get before I walk into his life. I had THAT conversation the other night as well. How I need to be thinking realistically about the man I am going to marry. It's easy to plan your life and have your husband to be fit into that (in your head), but we forget to budget into our dreams that he may already have a life! He may have a super busy career, and he might have dreams and plans of his own. We REALLY shouldn't be setting up our lives to the point where we don't leave room for the future man of our lives dreams as well. Not saying that you shouldn't dream, but you shouldn't be selfish in your dreaming. Don't neglect your dreams, and lower your standards for yourself, but be open minded to his standards and his dreams. I was talking to a couple of my friends about standards. About how we shouldn't lower them, about how it's important to understand and remember our worth and what we deserve; How we should dream big but not expect him to be the drummer in one of our favorite bands. Expectations. ANOTHER thing to bring up. I am not the biggest fan of the quote "If you go in with no expectations, you won't be disappointed..." I think that is true in some aspects, but if you walk around NOT expecting God to do the greatest things in your life? You're gonna get depressed. DREAM BIG. Hope and Pray with expectancy. God's going to do exactly what's best for you. I know it's easy to be disappointed when things don't go exactly your way, but being able to move on, let go, and remember that you're only seeing ->thismuch<- of the picture is going to strengthen your heart. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it SUCKS feeling like you're never going to be loved, but my friends...you are loved. You're loved by the ONE WHO MADE YOU! How is that NOT blowing your minds!!! Romantic love is a bonus, and it was created by God FOR us, but let's not let that distract us away from who should be our FIRST love. The One who gave it ALL, and would do it again if you were the only one. He cares about every single part of you, and that should be enough for us, but due to our sin nature it isn't. We always want more, and we want it now. He's waiting to spend time with you. He'll never forget to text you back, He'll never stand you up. He's constant, He's always available, and He loves you MORE.

The Heart: Wicked, and keeping me alive.

As in water reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.
Proverbs 27:19

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I was drawing a blank on what to blog about next, and my (super dear)friend Britney told me to write about the heart. I've had a lot of issues with my heart. Not my physical heart, but my spiritual heart. I am a super super emotional person. I attach myself to everything, and everyone. If I'm in it? I'm in it 100%. Thinking about it constantly, dreaming about it, and sometimes it keeps me up at night. It could be anything. A person, a project, a Bible study, a place, a concept, a dream...anything. I worry about everything also, and anxiety is something I struggle with on the regular. I have found that "being real" and honest with the Lord, and waiting for a response from Him? Being silent and allowing Him to whisper to me-brings me the peace I was lacking before. When we finally loosen our grip on the emotion,person,dream that we are clinging to so tightly-and we give them over to Jesus, trusting that His will,purpose,plan is perfect? We receive that peace. I have had a SEVERE (not using that word lightly...)problem with guarding my heart in situations past. Like I said-I'm a super emotional person, and tend to throw myself into everything, and don't think/pray first. Just recently though, I was in a situation that made me uneasy. Not necessarily a BAD uneasy, just a i-dont-know-what-to-do-with-myself kinda uneasy. I spent some SERIOUS time in prayer this time around, and I specifically asked the Lord to go before me and guard my heart, and you know what? He TOTALLY did! I'm human (and a woman...) so of course I didn't walk away COMPLETELY unscathed, but I walked out unbroken. I walked out with my heart in one piece. I didn't have to waste tears, because there weren't any. I spent a lot of time thanking the Lord for protecting me. To those who aren't sure what it means to guard your heart-Give it to Jesus. Depend on Him ONLY. If you trust your heart to the Lord, and are on a daily basis giving it to Him-He's going to protect it. It's worth it...It's worth the peace, the calm, and the lack of the broken hearted mess version of you. Trust Him-He really really loves you.

This is the sound of settling (buh buh buh buh)

We all say that we would never settle for less than the perfect match that God has for us. Let's be real though people. If some dang good looking member of the opposite sex starts paying "extra" attention to you, but doesn't share in any of your goals,values,beliefs? You have a harder time walking away. PERIOD. Don't even TRY to tell me different. Physical attraction has EVERYTHING to do with everything. Then there is the other kind of settling...The kind where people date or marry someone simply because they take an interest. Doesn't matter what they look like, believe in, do-or don't do for a living; They are in front of you, they think you're beautiful, and they like you. SO, you go there. I can speak from (almost) experience, when I say how easy it is to let yourself imagine a relationship with someone who shows interest. I am not in any kind of relationship now, and I'm sorta thankful. Any maybe's-almost's-sorta's-could be's that I've had in my life in the last decade or so-haven't been God's perfect match for me. I'm excited to finally meet that one (Eventually). The one who God has created just for me. I've wondered WHY NOT HIM?! So many times in my life. It'll be good to find out/understand why. WHY God had me wait. Waiting for that answer, and waiting for the best is reason enough for me not to settle. It's the patience while I'm waiting that's harder to come by. BUT I'm willing to wait for that "Can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff." (Forgive my MK&A-1995-It takes two reference, but it's one of my fave's!) I don't want to settle for someone less than perfect for me, and then have to deal with a mess before I can get to God's best for me. Oh, I can't wait to blog about him!

Answered Prayers & Dodged Bullets

Have you ever THOUGHT you knew what you wanted, and you THOUGHT it was the only possible great thing that would ever happen in your life in the history of ever? So you spend day after day pouring your heart out to Jesus, telling HIM that you KNOW-if He answers these prayers your life will be complete. That your happy ever after will start the second that He says yes...WELP I have, and I doubt that I am alone in this. I have re-read my own prayer journal entries and have not been able to stifle my laughter. How naive we are. How prideful,flawed,and silly-for lack of a better word-we are. BUT how faithful, merciful, gracious and tender is our Jesus for dealing with us with such patience and kindness. He doesn't laugh at our requests, and He is ALWAYS faithful to answer. If His answer is no, I consider those dodged bullets. Because, if we were left to our own devices and were given the ability to plan out in detail our futures? We'd be making a lot of u-turns! I have prayed a lot of those prayers. I've been thankful (most of the time not right away) that God chose to give me a "Negative!". Like I said, I consider those bullets dodged. There were jobs I applied for, guys I prayed about, Countries I wanted to move to, that were all no's from the Lord. For the jobs I applied for? I am still at the job I got hired at 9 years ago, and am so content. The guys I prayed about? NONE of them my husband (he's out there somewhere! I pray for him everyday), and to me? They were bullets dodged...None of them the man God has for me, but some of them have gotten married and to their wives they are answered prayers, not dodged bullets. The country I prayed about moving to? Earth shattering things happened in my family that if I had moved without being obedient to God's answer-I would have been separated from my family when it happened. I am so thankful that God has given me clear answers when I've prayed. I am so thankful that God has spared me from being able to choose my own ending, and I am so thankful that He has guarded my heart when I had no business wearing it on my sleeve.

Overcome

I am not the most confident person. Not only do I have the typical female insecurities, but I have the biggest fears of rejection and failure. I tend not to step outside of my comfort zone very often for this very reason. I stay close to home, I don't flirt(not that you SHOULD, I just don't), I don't do anything that would require risk. I decided that 2013 would be my year to stop being selfish. I'm not allowing myself to have so many of the amazing opportunities that I could be having. I decided to cling to the promise in John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." How great is our God? He has gone before us, and claimed a victory on our behalf. I'm anxious for nothing. I am learning to practice what I preach and rest in Him. To walk by faith.