Thursday, June 5, 2014

A spirit of heaviness

"to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
    to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
    the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness, "
Isaiah 61:3

Isn't it we give the enemy a foothold in our lives on a pretty constant basis? How we KNOW he's lying to us, but we believe the lies? How we can be having the greatest day with Jesus, and then words of doubt,fear,rejection are whispered into our ears. As a woman it goes straight to my heart, and I just get discouraged. I felt like that last night. I blogged yesterday about letting go of what I thought was best for my life and what I thought God had for my life. I went to church, was SO blessed by the message, worship was SO good, and I got to be with my high schoolers. I can't explain what it was, but less than an hour after the study was over I just hit that wall. The enemy started whispering those not-so-sweet nothings into my ear, and I believed them. I felt like I had swallowed a rock-there was just that gnawing in my stomach. I couldn't slow my thoughts down, and I felt I couldn't control them. I started to hear that lie of "you are NOT enough" and started to believe it. When I got home, I went into my usually scary-at-night-because-it's-so-big backyard, and prayed. I more than prayed I CRIED out to Jesus to take my feelings of insecurity, doubt, and all that goes along with those-and I still felt that weight in my stomach. I spent the next couple of hours trying to pray it away. At about 2:30 this morning I realized that I hadn't given my hurting to Jesus. I WANTED to hang on to my weird-kind-of suffering. I DIDN'T WANT TO RELINQUISH CONTROL OVER WHAT I DID HAVE CONTROL OVER. Literally less than 24 hours ago-I was blogging about the opposite. I'm human I suppose and can't control my emotions, but I definitely have the ability to let go and let God. (Pardon the cheese)  Once I realized why I was still feeling the way I was-I took a deep breath, talked to Jesus, and closed my eyes. I fell asleep and dreamt that I was singing with John Mayer. We did his cover of XO by Beyonce-It was great. But I digress.


Our God is greater, bigger, stronger, and has EVERYTHING in the palm of His hands, and He has since the beginning of time. He understands you sweating the small stuff, but you don't need to. Look to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith. 

I love you guys! 

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Relinquishing what I never had

I know. I know. It's been a while. I have been so busy at work, and with life, and just not feeling inspired! However, that's what best friends are for. Inspiration! (Thanks Ky & Brit)

How many times have you prayed super specifically for something? How many times have you prayed more for one thing than anything else hoping that it would some how sway the decision that God made for your life (before you were even formed in your mothers womb)? I am sitting in my room typing this with my hand raised. I am oh so guilty.

I have prayed assuming that what I wanted, was what God had. I have prayed assuming that God would (obviously)give me what I want...because I am a spoiled little brat (and most likely, so are you). Now, I've blogged about Letting Go before, but this is a different kind of letting go.

I have also blogged about dodging bullets, and being saved from my own devices. WHICH I HAVE. Like I said-I have prayed specifically, and assuming. I have prayed like I was the decision maker, but the last few years of my life I have come to the opposite conclusion. Every situation that I prayed about that I wasn't absolutely positive was God's will-I am so crazy thankful His answer was No, or Not Now.

Guys I can NOT stress enough how FAITHFUL the Lord has been in my life. CAN NOT. Not only do I have the greatest job (Sure it's retail, sure I have to wear an ugly yellow striped shirt), BUT I LOVE IT. I love my bosses, the people I work with, that I get to work with kids, they take care of me financially, I have medical insurance...the list goes on. I have worked there for (in September) 10 years. That is almost a third of my life. I'm thankful that the Lord didn't have it in the plans for me to get hired, at any of the other places I applied for, right before High School graduation.

I am thankful for all of the turns that He has had me take.
I am thankful for all of the times that He has told me no.
I am thankful for the fact that I have been single for 28 years.
I am thankful that He knows me, and He does NOT withold any good thing.

I would like to leave you on this note:
Trust that the Lord knows what He is doing.
Trust that if it feels like it's taking a long time for a promise to be fulfilled-IT IS GOING TO BE SO WORTH IT. It WILL blow your mind.

"God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom
call good. God's refusals are always merciful-- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better." -Elisabeth Elliot