Writer's block

I am not a writer by profession. I am nothing "by profession", but I have always loved writing. I love writing short stories, letters, and eventually I would like to write a novel, and a life story. However,I started writing 2 hours ago, and was so distracted by social media, The Voice on the TV, and my own thoughts-that I just got the previous 3 sentences out. I am an over-thinker and so often that leads to writers block. I'm not able to organize my thoughts, I never have been. And so often, that leads to my inability to get my point across, or to even remember what my point WAS/IS. I can say comfortably that I have writers block almost EVERY time I sit down to write. Is it that I am just an unorganized person or is it spiritual warfare? Is it that the Lord wants to use my words (maybe eventually...)and I am allowing myself to be distracted, and maybe losing out on what I could've said by not tuning everything else out? I haven't ever thought in depth about WHY I have such a hard time saying what I want/need to say, until I got the suggestion from Britney to WRITE about my writers block. While I am waiting for the words to come to me, I do rough outlines of word vomit (for lack of a better term...). The past blogs I've written I wrote out at work while I didn't have any specific tasks to do, and then when I get home I edit and I add to it when I type it out. Because hopefully by then my thoughts will have clumped together. I also pray before I write. I ask the Lord what He wants me to say, and I wait. Before I start writing (while I'm waiting..), on top of not being sure about what I am GOING to write about-I tend to struggle with patience, fear, fear of rejection, pride and fear of rejection due to transparency. Sometimes when I write, I write like I'm journaling, and I don't necessarily think about who may read my words. Sometimes though I do, and that fear strikes my heart and I speak with hesitance. I don't want to say something and immediately regret it. I don't want to feel judged! All that I know is that the Lord spoke through friends to my heart, and told me to start a blog. SO start a blog I did, and I am thankful for the 1,2, maybe 3 people that read/have read this blog. I pray that my words show effectiveness at some point and please let me know if they do! Goodnight! And have a pleasant tomorrow!!

A few thoughts on singleness

I might be beating a dead horse here, but let's talk about being single shall we? It's all I have ever known, as in at (almost)27 years old I have never been in a relationship. (Read all about those almosts here)   I'm super happy with my life (most of the time), but I'm also completely aware of that missing piece. I'm not going to act like I constantly LOVE being single. I'm not going to act like I'm always unhappy about it either though. My friends and I have this conversation pretty on the regular. What would've been different if any of us had ever been in relationships? (I'm 1/5 of my close friends that are single and always have been). We step back and we look at our lives for the last several years, and know why we have been single. We have been able to use our stories to encourage one another, we've gone on road trips, we've stayed out late, we've had sleepovers, we've counseled girls who feel alone,rejected. We're able to relate to them on a completely relevant basis due to the fact that we are STILL in the same position that they are, only we have decades more experience. I am counting down the days (without an end date), until I get to share the story of God's faithfulness. How He used my time being single for His glory, whether it was encouraging others in their singleness, or by sharing my story-reminding others of His promises to BE faithful. I don't want to waste this time just sitting around waiting for my husband. I want to (and try to) prepare myself for him. I want to be as close to a Proverbs 31 woman I can get before I walk into his life. I had THAT conversation the other night as well. How I need to be thinking realistically about the man I am going to marry. It's easy to plan your life and have your husband to be fit into that (in your head), but we forget to budget into our dreams that he may already have a life! He may have a super busy career, and he might have dreams and plans of his own. We REALLY shouldn't be setting up our lives to the point where we don't leave room for the future man of our lives dreams as well. Not saying that you shouldn't dream, but you shouldn't be selfish in your dreaming. Don't neglect your dreams, and lower your standards for yourself, but be open minded to his standards and his dreams. I was talking to a couple of my friends about standards. About how we shouldn't lower them, about how it's important to understand and remember our worth and what we deserve; How we should dream big but not expect him to be the drummer in one of our favorite bands. Expectations. ANOTHER thing to bring up. I am not the biggest fan of the quote "If you go in with no expectations, you won't be disappointed..." I think that is true in some aspects, but if you walk around NOT expecting God to do the greatest things in your life? You're gonna get depressed. DREAM BIG. Hope and Pray with expectancy. God's going to do exactly what's best for you. I know it's easy to be disappointed when things don't go exactly your way, but being able to move on, let go, and remember that you're only seeing ->thismuch<- of the picture is going to strengthen your heart. I'm speaking from experience when I say that it SUCKS feeling like you're never going to be loved, but my friends...you are loved. You're loved by the ONE WHO MADE YOU! How is that NOT blowing your minds!!! Romantic love is a bonus, and it was created by God FOR us, but let's not let that distract us away from who should be our FIRST love. The One who gave it ALL, and would do it again if you were the only one. He cares about every single part of you, and that should be enough for us, but due to our sin nature it isn't. We always want more, and we want it now. He's waiting to spend time with you. He'll never forget to text you back, He'll never stand you up. He's constant, He's always available, and He loves you MORE.

The Heart: Wicked, and keeping me alive.

As in water reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man.
Proverbs 27:19

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:5

I was drawing a blank on what to blog about next, and my (super dear)friend Britney told me to write about the heart. I've had a lot of issues with my heart. Not my physical heart, but my spiritual heart. I am a super super emotional person. I attach myself to everything, and everyone. If I'm in it? I'm in it 100%. Thinking about it constantly, dreaming about it, and sometimes it keeps me up at night. It could be anything. A person, a project, a Bible study, a place, a concept, a dream...anything. I worry about everything also, and anxiety is something I struggle with on the regular. I have found that "being real" and honest with the Lord, and waiting for a response from Him? Being silent and allowing Him to whisper to me-brings me the peace I was lacking before. When we finally loosen our grip on the emotion,person,dream that we are clinging to so tightly-and we give them over to Jesus, trusting that His will,purpose,plan is perfect? We receive that peace. I have had a SEVERE (not using that word lightly...)problem with guarding my heart in situations past. Like I said-I'm a super emotional person, and tend to throw myself into everything, and don't think/pray first. Just recently though, I was in a situation that made me uneasy. Not necessarily a BAD uneasy, just a i-dont-know-what-to-do-with-myself kinda uneasy. I spent some SERIOUS time in prayer this time around, and I specifically asked the Lord to go before me and guard my heart, and you know what? He TOTALLY did! I'm human (and a woman...) so of course I didn't walk away COMPLETELY unscathed, but I walked out unbroken. I walked out with my heart in one piece. I didn't have to waste tears, because there weren't any. I spent a lot of time thanking the Lord for protecting me. To those who aren't sure what it means to guard your heart-Give it to Jesus. Depend on Him ONLY. If you trust your heart to the Lord, and are on a daily basis giving it to Him-He's going to protect it. It's worth it...It's worth the peace, the calm, and the lack of the broken hearted mess version of you. Trust Him-He really really loves you.

This is the sound of settling (buh buh buh buh)

We all say that we would never settle for less than the perfect match that God has for us. Let's be real though people. If some dang good looking member of the opposite sex starts paying "extra" attention to you, but doesn't share in any of your goals,values,beliefs? You have a harder time walking away. PERIOD. Don't even TRY to tell me different. Physical attraction has EVERYTHING to do with everything. Then there is the other kind of settling...The kind where people date or marry someone simply because they take an interest. Doesn't matter what they look like, believe in, do-or don't do for a living; They are in front of you, they think you're beautiful, and they like you. SO, you go there. I can speak from (almost) experience, when I say how easy it is to let yourself imagine a relationship with someone who shows interest. I am not in any kind of relationship now, and I'm sorta thankful. Any maybe's-almost's-sorta's-could be's that I've had in my life in the last decade or so-haven't been God's perfect match for me. I'm excited to finally meet that one (Eventually). The one who God has created just for me. I've wondered WHY NOT HIM?! So many times in my life. It'll be good to find out/understand why. WHY God had me wait. Waiting for that answer, and waiting for the best is reason enough for me not to settle. It's the patience while I'm waiting that's harder to come by. BUT I'm willing to wait for that "Can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over- the-fence, World Series kind of stuff." (Forgive my MK&A-1995-It takes two reference, but it's one of my fave's!) I don't want to settle for someone less than perfect for me, and then have to deal with a mess before I can get to God's best for me. Oh, I can't wait to blog about him!

Answered Prayers & Dodged Bullets

Have you ever THOUGHT you knew what you wanted, and you THOUGHT it was the only possible great thing that would ever happen in your life in the history of ever? So you spend day after day pouring your heart out to Jesus, telling HIM that you KNOW-if He answers these prayers your life will be complete. That your happy ever after will start the second that He says yes...WELP I have, and I doubt that I am alone in this. I have re-read my own prayer journal entries and have not been able to stifle my laughter. How naive we are. How prideful,flawed,and silly-for lack of a better word-we are. BUT how faithful, merciful, gracious and tender is our Jesus for dealing with us with such patience and kindness. He doesn't laugh at our requests, and He is ALWAYS faithful to answer. If His answer is no, I consider those dodged bullets. Because, if we were left to our own devices and were given the ability to plan out in detail our futures? We'd be making a lot of u-turns! I have prayed a lot of those prayers. I've been thankful (most of the time not right away) that God chose to give me a "Negative!". Like I said, I consider those bullets dodged. There were jobs I applied for, guys I prayed about, Countries I wanted to move to, that were all no's from the Lord. For the jobs I applied for? I am still at the job I got hired at 9 years ago, and am so content. The guys I prayed about? NONE of them my husband (he's out there somewhere! I pray for him everyday), and to me? They were bullets dodged...None of them the man God has for me, but some of them have gotten married and to their wives they are answered prayers, not dodged bullets. The country I prayed about moving to? Earth shattering things happened in my family that if I had moved without being obedient to God's answer-I would have been separated from my family when it happened. I am so thankful that God has given me clear answers when I've prayed. I am so thankful that God has spared me from being able to choose my own ending, and I am so thankful that He has guarded my heart when I had no business wearing it on my sleeve.

Overcome

I am not the most confident person. Not only do I have the typical female insecurities, but I have the biggest fears of rejection and failure. I tend not to step outside of my comfort zone very often for this very reason. I stay close to home, I don't flirt(not that you SHOULD, I just don't), I don't do anything that would require risk. I decided that 2013 would be my year to stop being selfish. I'm not allowing myself to have so many of the amazing opportunities that I could be having. I decided to cling to the promise in John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world." How great is our God? He has gone before us, and claimed a victory on our behalf. I'm anxious for nothing. I am learning to practice what I preach and rest in Him. To walk by faith.

I love you, Mags.

One of my two journals is a prayer journal, where I talk to Jesus (like I'm talking to a friend), and my other journal is where I write letters to my future husband. So that he can know what was going on in my life and what specific prayers I prayed, etc. Tonight I was writing in my prayer journal, and I realized I end my prayers the same way I end them in my "To whom it may concern..." Journal. I write: "I love you, Mags." I know that most people wouldn't find that hugely special, but it struck a hugely special cord in my heart tonight. When I was 13 years old I told Jesus that one day I wanted to get married and I wanted to have someone be as in love with me as I was going to be with them. The Lord almost audibly told me that I was going to marry the first guy I dated. I took that to heart, and I took it very seriously. However it made being a teenage girl a little bit uneasy. I would start liking someone and then analyze them inside and out for marriage potential traits. At the time there weren't a whole lot of 13 year old boys I saw myself with for the rest of my life ( At the time Justin Timberlake was the only guy for me...) Growing up with the promise that God gave me was challenging. As I got older and started liking guys more and more, I started getting disappointed when either they'd date someone else and marry them, or The Lord told me no. It doesn't get easier the longer you walk with the Lord, to hear Him tell you no to something (or someone) you really wanted. I've been walking strongly with The Lord for 13 years now and speak fluent Christianese. I know that some of Gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers and all that jazz, but I'm still a woman who wants to fall in love and have someone fall in love with her. I'm 26 and still waiting to date the man that The Lord would have me I marry. Looking back I see all of the bullets that The Lord has caused me to dodge. I am so very thankful. Back in the beginning of this post I was talking about my prayer journal and the hugely special significance. Jesus reminded me tonight that HE is my husband. HE is in love with me. I needed that reminder tonight. Nobody can take His place. It's a different kind of love, a special kind of love. I love my Jesus and I can't wait to see what He's got for me in the next 13 years.